If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize