Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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