Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
