god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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