I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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