sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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