I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i permit you to call me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
