TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
