When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Are we still banned from the library?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
