Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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