My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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