She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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