i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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