Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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