how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
