I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
