At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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