Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
