that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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