Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tornado booty call.. dedication
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
