There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
