Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
