I think I died a long time ago.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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