somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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