I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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