apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
