i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
