I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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