Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize