Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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