just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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