I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize