The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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