You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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