There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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