i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
