I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just gift wrapped bread.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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