Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
