If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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