R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
