take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
worst night to have a conscience
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
