he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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