We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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