I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
