that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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