I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
