I will die if light touches me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
