this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
