theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
