There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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