This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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