Plan B is the new Plan A
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
