I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
