he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
