and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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